Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This one time, in 2009, I put my phone down for almost 8 minutes.

   I have a blind date and I keep having people tell me to just be myself. Are you kidding me? Have you read my FB post?

   It's not you. It's me. Actually, that's not true. It's someone else.

   The hardest part of halloween is making those skeletons stay in my closet where they belong

   The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

   Nothing says 'single and friendless' quite like a album full of pictures of yourself taken by yourself.

   Procrastination is a dish best served some other time.

   Where there is alcohol, there is a way.

   I've seen more of Kate Middleton's privates than my own wife's the past 2 years...

   I like to high-five after sex because cuddling with strangers is weird.

   The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.

   don't look back, you're not going in that direction.

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   I think a lot better when my mind is blank!

   Presidential debate #2 tomorrow.... Have you started drinking yet?

   I'm not stalking you. I'm protecting you.

   There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"

   Ego ; your total erroneous ideas about yourself.

   If you woke up this morning hungover and missing a thumb, America thanks you.

   if you wake up to more animals than humans, I think I know why you're single...