Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me putting up with you is your Christmas present

   I take things too literally. My mom sent me to the grocery store, “Get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I came home with a dozen loaves of bread, and told her, "They had eggs."

   red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight

   If you have accepted Nicki Minaj’s music as hip hop then you can’t *itch about Macklemore winning the best rap album award at the Grammys. You can't lower the bar for one person and deny another.

   Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

   Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.

   Eating 4 cans of alphabet soup will give you a giant vowel movement.

   Jay-Z Officially has 100 Problems

   You new folks. All the funny sh*t's already been taken. There's a sale on the Inspirational Quotes floor. No one seems to want that sh*t.

   Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That's it. That's the joke.

   Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.

   There are 24 singles in your area...*unchecks "Kraft"..... There are 0 singles in your area.

   If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek

   How much for those babysitters? Um sir, those are iPads

   Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

   I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...

   So many accidents with Hillary. I'm not even sure she still alive, maybe they're just dragging her body like in Weekend at Bernie's

   At some point you just have to ask yourself if you would hire someone under investigation by the FBI?

   Dear Rioters, This is not Toys R Us where you can throw a fit in the aisle until you get the toy you want. This is an ELECTION. Hillary LOST. Chanting Fu#k Trump and burning flags WILL NOT change that. You are only proving WHY t

   Trump Anxiety Disorder covered by Obamacare?