Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jay-Z Officially has 100 Problems

   You new folks. All the funny sh*t's already been taken. There's a sale on the Inspirational Quotes floor. No one seems to want that sh*t.

   Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That's it. That's the joke.

   Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.

   There are 24 singles in your area...*unchecks "Kraft"..... There are 0 singles in your area.

   If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek

   How much for those babysitters? Um sir, those are iPads

   Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

   I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...

   At some point you just have to ask yourself if you would hire someone under investigation by the FBI?

   Dear Rioters, This is not Toys R Us where you can throw a fit in the aisle until you get the toy you want. This is an ELECTION. Hillary LOST. Chanting Fu#k Trump and burning flags WILL NOT change that. You are only proving WHY t

   Trump Anxiety Disorder covered by Obamacare?

   So many accidents with Hillary. I'm not even sure she still alive, maybe they're just dragging her body like in Weekend at Bernie's

   Natalie Portman has named her newborn son Alef. Like the kid wasn't going to get beaten up enough for mom helping to ruin Star Wars.

   Only if you held me like you held your pride, we would still be together to this day.

   Has come to the conclusion that strippers are just panhandlers with a really good gimmick

   Shark Week Thought: Guy who takes his wife/girlfriend to the ocean/beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.

   Pretty words aren't always true & true words aren't always pretty.

   People always say to me "Oh your a Male Nurse". My professions the ONLY one with a need to identify gender. Ya never hear "A Male Mailman handles my Mail". How would a Cop react if after pulling you over said smiling "Ooooh a MALE policeman!"

   Philadelphia is out of batteries. Not sure if its cause of the hurricane or cause football season is about to start