Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all the lies I've told in my life, "just kidding" is probably my favorite..

   If you Happy and you know it thank your ex

   It kills me to see you this way. So I'm closing the trunk

   FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don't remember who you are.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later... Amen

   Shouldn't CBS withhold episodes of NCIS and NCIS-LA for the duration of the federal shutdown?

   Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I'm guessing we still have a chance.

   I encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

   My blood type is B Positive. The irony isn't lost on me.

   I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.

   In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."

   The doctor gave my friends and I a prescription for our Twisted Sister addiction but we're not gonna take it..

   I do this move in bed called the "Karma Chameleon", where I come and go.

   Me putting up with you is your Christmas present

   I take things too literally. My mom sent me to the grocery store, “Get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I came home with a dozen loaves of bread, and told her, "They had eggs."

   red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight

   If you have accepted Nicki Minaj’s music as hip hop then you can’t *itch about Macklemore winning the best rap album award at the Grammys. You can't lower the bar for one person and deny another.

   Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

   Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.

   Eating 4 cans of alphabet soup will give you a giant vowel movement.