Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm making a bucket list, Some of the girls on my friends list are on it

   I could eat a bowl of Alphabet soup and poop out a better arguement!

   I'm making a list of people I like. The ones who say "autumn" instead of "fall" are the first ones I'm crossing off

   Me with no money: I want everything... Me with money: what the f?ck do I buy

   I think it's funny how everyone is suddenly thankful for everything just because its Thanksgiving

   Of all the lies I've told in my life, "just kidding" is probably my favorite..

   If you Happy and you know it thank your ex

   It kills me to see you this way. So I'm closing the trunk

   FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don't remember who you are.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later... Amen

   Shouldn't CBS withhold episodes of NCIS and NCIS-LA for the duration of the federal shutdown?

   Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I'm guessing we still have a chance.

   I encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

   My blood type is B Positive. The irony isn't lost on me.

   I'm craving a milkshake but I don't want a bunch of dudes in my yard.

   In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."

   The doctor gave my friends and I a prescription for our Twisted Sister addiction but we're not gonna take it..

   I do this move in bed called the "Karma Chameleon", where I come and go.

   Me putting up with you is your Christmas present

   I take things too literally. My mom sent me to the grocery store, “Get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I came home with a dozen loaves of bread, and told her, "They had eggs."