Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my wife turned on some p0rn and said, "I want to show you what I like" then it got awkward I don't have a huge black d*ck.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   If Nancy Pelosi gets one more facelift , she's going to have to start brushing her teeth with Vagasil .

   I'm a little disappointed.. I set three boobytraps last night and didn't catch any!

   Okay....if you're going to post pictures which include your hot friends, at least tag them!!!

   wish I could Google anything. I`d search "WHERE THE HELL IS MY IPOD?" and it would be like "UNDER THE COUCH YOU DUMBASS"

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.

   Thinks some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"

   You'd think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it's a guy in a costume every time.

   Ok so America is attacking Syria for the chemical gas thing but who's attacking America for the Miley Cyrus thing?

   I never use turn signals..its nobodies business where I go.

   Just because I'm giving up , doesn't mean I don't care. It means I'm tired of giving my everything & ending up with nothing.

   Misspellings suck. Sent an e-mail to my mom telling her I was bbq'ing and gonna have fun this weekend with my "cook" out. I misspelled "cook"...And...Well...Now my mom thinks I'm a perv too.

   I used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!

   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

   ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal.

   If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

   It's always I before E. Isn't that weird?

   as cool as a beeper was in '94!

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there goes a cavity."