Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here.

   ...My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark

   Happy Birthday Sasha Obama! For her birthday, her daddy gave her Justin Bieber's phone records.

   The NFL post game show is the male version of The View.

   I wonder if children who stutter are the result of pregnant women using vibrators.

   Join the fight against high heating cost by supporting your local heating assistance program. Change your profile pic to a pic of your cold nipples and together we can stop the winter cold. The goal is to turn fb into all nipples by Dec 21st.

   You know you're gay when you bend over and see four balls.

   Whenever I see someone driving a Kia, I give them lots of room as I can tell they make poor decisions…

   "Fart" is such a crude word. I prefer "Song of the South."

   2011: You mad bro? 1800: Art thou angered brethren?

   M̸o̸n̸, T̸u̸e̸s̸, W̸e̸d̸, T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸, Friday !!!!

   asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   I keep playing my Highway to Hell cd over and over. I think I have OCDC.

   My friends vasectomy did not keep his wife from getting pregnant apparently it just changed the color of the baby...

   Here's an idea for Christmas; Give children batteries with a note saying toys not included!!! lol

   They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

   Eating generic fruit loops is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   what's the difference between hungry and horny??....where you put the cucumber..;-)

   At a Hotal a Man accidentally bumps into a Woman beside him and as he does his elbow touches her Brea$t. The man says ''Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your brea$t I know you'll forgive me!'' Her ''If your Pen!$ is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 436