Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pulled over by a cop today, he said: "papers".. so I said: "scissors, I win"

   You can PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DEAL WITH IT only so many times. Then the elastic breaks... and you really show your butt.

   I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.

   That nervous moment when we're at a Fiscal Cliff and Obama's campaign slogan is "Forward"

   What people call it the presidential debate, I call it the world's most expensive puppet show.

   Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

   Hush little laptop dont you cry mommas gonna find you some more wifi

   Jokes aside, North Korea needs to be stopped.

   Apparently Monica Lewinsky can never be a doctor because she sucked as an intern.

   I hope 2010 Brings You 12 Months of Happiness, 52 Weeks of Fun, 365 Days of Success, 8,760 Hours of Good Health, 525,600 Minutes of Gods Favor, and 31,536,000 Seconds of Joy!

   wants to know that if god didn't want us to eat meat, why did he make cows so slow? Have you ever eaten a cheetah burger? Nope, and you never will....

   just came back from a pleasure trip (took the mother-in-law to the bus station)

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said, "F* off, you won't bring it back!"

   Men get more attractive with age. Women...well they just let you put it in more places.

   I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...

   Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.

   Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I think this is the one time in his life, where he wishes she sent him for tampons!

   Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.