Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a girl spits on your d ick right before she sucks it, that's the universal sign for "you should probably wear a c0ndom for this one".

   Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

   People always talk bout hard work, but you can work hard your whole life and not get anywhere...take my advice, work smart, not hard

   They say "You are what you eat"... so maybe we should eat skinny people.

   Pringles. A real chip wasn't good enough. So they smash a potato, add chemicals, add liquid, turn it into a paste, then put it in a mold where it is artificially made to resemble a real chip, but with no flavor. Then put 'em in a tennis ball can

   pulled over by a cop today, he said: "papers".. so I said: "scissors, I win"

   You can PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DEAL WITH IT only so many times. Then the elastic breaks... and you really show your butt.

   I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.

   That nervous moment when we're at a Fiscal Cliff and Obama's campaign slogan is "Forward"

   What people call it the presidential debate, I call it the world's most expensive puppet show.

   Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

   Hush little laptop dont you cry mommas gonna find you some more wifi

   Jokes aside, North Korea needs to be stopped.

   Apparently Monica Lewinsky can never be a doctor because she sucked as an intern.

   I hope 2010 Brings You 12 Months of Happiness, 52 Weeks of Fun, 365 Days of Success, 8,760 Hours of Good Health, 525,600 Minutes of Gods Favor, and 31,536,000 Seconds of Joy!

   wants to know that if god didn't want us to eat meat, why did he make cows so slow? Have you ever eaten a cheetah burger? Nope, and you never will....

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said, "F* off, you won't bring it back!"

   just came back from a pleasure trip (took the mother-in-law to the bus station)

   Men get more attractive with age. Women...well they just let you put it in more places.