Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That rather uneasy moment when you are walking with your girl and you see a lesbian with a chick hotter than yours.

   Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.

   By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer.

   I must assume that my cell phone is pro-choice based off the number of calls it has aborted!

   shocked.. who would have known Kim Kardashian would get a ring before LeBron James!

   wish Carlin was still here so I could hear his wiener jokes...

   My Life: Find out who's looking for you online for free! Ummm...guess they haven't heard of FB?

   I get my energy from my inner G dawg. Just kidding I'm white.

   Why do you LIKE your own status on facebook ? that's like texting yourself a question and replying back to yourself with your own answer

   You don't celebrate 420 if you get high everyday... That's like singing Happy Birthday to yourself everyday

   The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

   I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.

   Honestly, I would prefer to look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that!" Than instead of saying, "I wish I did that..."

   Heres your social security card. Its paper & has to last you forever. Dont laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   J-Lo's Checklist: ✓Sean Combs ✓Cris Judd ✓Ben Affleck ✓Marc Anthony __Simon Fuller __Randy Jackson __Steven Tyler __Flavor Flav

   I went to a "family style" restaurant, they yelled at me the whole time.

   would you lke a tampon with that status you moody b*tch

   so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn't think it would go THIS far..... sorry

   watching Benjamin Button for the hundredth time. Never gets old.

   A man asks a woman, "Can I buy you a drink?" She replies, "I don't drink, it's bad for my legs." He asks, "Do they swell?" Her reply: "No, they spread."