Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if your complaining about new statuses, maybe you should do your part and contribute a witty status yourself!

   Sometimes I go up the stairs & when I get there, I completely forget what I went up there for. So I masturbate. That's usually the reason.

   To pay for gas, I'm selling tickets that allow people to get lost in my eyes for 15 minutes.

   That rather uneasy moment when you are walking with your girl and you see a lesbian with a chick hotter than yours.

   Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.

   By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer.

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. But I just ate bath salts and you look tasty

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.

   I must assume that my cell phone is pro-choice based off the number of calls it has aborted!

   shocked.. who would have known Kim Kardashian would get a ring before LeBron James!

   wish Carlin was still here so I could hear his wiener jokes...

   My Life: Find out who's looking for you online for free! Ummm...guess they haven't heard of FB?

   I get my energy from my inner G dawg. Just kidding I'm white.

   Why do you LIKE your own status on facebook ? that's like texting yourself a question and replying back to yourself with your own answer

   You don't celebrate 420 if you get high everyday... That's like singing Happy Birthday to yourself everyday

   The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

   I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.

   Honestly, I would prefer to look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that!" Than instead of saying, "I wish I did that..."

   Heres your social security card. Its paper & has to last you forever. Dont laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   J-Lo's Checklist: ✓Sean Combs ✓Cris Judd ✓Ben Affleck ✓Marc Anthony __Simon Fuller __Randy Jackson __Steven Tyler __Flavor Flav