Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   more issues than your magazine.

   I wish people were like money,so you could hold them up to the light to see which one's are real and which one's are fake.

   Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others

   Do you ever just look at someone and "Why?" is the only thing you can come up with?

   If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum...is that gambling or prostitution?

   You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

   Out playing hide and seek with Osama Bin Ladin. Damn he's good!

   NEWS FLASH: After watching video of this huge North East Snow Storm.... Al Sharpton has called an emergency meeting with his act up idiot group because the storm is...... ALL WHITE...... film at 11....

   In The News: Ferguson protest moves to St. Louis....... Why?, Because there's nothing left to steal in Ferguson!

   This went from the funniest site to the worst site fast

   Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!"

   Saw a headline that read 'Woman beats off rapist' and thought.. Well that seems like a reasonable compromise.

   This orange juice tastes weird without vodka.

   FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult. I sent it in a pvt message ;~)

   I bet shady people have a really hard time getting tan

   Women on fb. They "Poke" you a hundred times a day. Then they find Mr. Perfect for the millionth time and then disappear...until the big breakup a week later...then the Pokes start up again. DELETE!

   It has been proven that girls whose profile pics were taken in a mirror or more likely to send you nudes

   Every time I see you my heart flutters, and time slows down. So either I'm in love or having a stroke!

   If I ever go missing, put my picture on a bourbon bottle; no one I know drinks milk.