Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum...is that gambling or prostitution?

   You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

   Out playing hide and seek with Osama Bin Ladin. Damn he's good!

   NEWS FLASH: After watching video of this huge North East Snow Storm.... Al Sharpton has called an emergency meeting with his act up idiot group because the storm is...... ALL WHITE...... film at 11....

   In The News: Ferguson protest moves to St. Louis....... Why?, Because there's nothing left to steal in Ferguson!

   This went from the funniest site to the worst site fast

   Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!"

   Saw a headline that read 'Woman beats off rapist' and thought.. Well that seems like a reasonable compromise.

   This orange juice tastes weird without vodka.

   FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.

   Whenever my EX shows up in my Facebook feed, I think "I am so glad you're the one that got away."

   I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me.... She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, "Why don't I have a record deal?!"...Then I take them out and I know why.

   My solution to world hunger: Tell em to order Dominoes Pizza.....they can't possibly get in 30 minutes so it would all be free.

   Liking your own status is like high-five-ing yourself in public

   Tomorrow is the 1 day that dyslexics will b able to get a date right. :-B

   either i'm becoming bitter and judgemental or everyone else has become stupid and pathetic.

   Ladies, if you ever want a guaranteed call from your man, just send him to the grocery store without a shopping list.

   Facebook just suggested I be friends with my ex. I marked it 'Offensive

   There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.