Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hoping the cute flight attendant gives a flying f**k.

   Used kids toothpaste for the first time in like 20+ years.............. Taste freakin AWESOME!!!!!!!!

   I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything...

   Dear Rubik's Cube, Done! Sincerely, Colorblind

   Turning on my computer reminds me of the days when you would have to wait for the tubes to warm up on the TV.

   When your car is so crappy that your music makes it rattle like someone shaking a toaster, it's either time for a new car or to TURN THE CRAP DOWN.

   I think Nancy Grace is the first woman to ever experience blue balls....

   The love you can't have lasts the longest...feels the strongest...and hurts the most.

   Lesbians don't hate men. You must be thinking of married straight women.

   I walked in on my boyfriend watching porn, later he walked in on me watching Glee. I don't know who was more embarrassed.

   ..... Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire ...... especially in the U. S. Congress!!

   Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart??

   I'm thinking about getting a dog from Asia. Instead of eating your homework, they actually do it for you.

   Dear Scissors, I feel your pain... No one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin.

   Jesus is ALIVE! Happy Easter

   If you cross the N. Korean border illegally, you get 12yrs. hard labor. If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally, you get shot. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job, a driver's license, food stamps, a place to live, and health care.

   more issues than your magazine.

   I wish people were like money,so you could hold them up to the light to see which one's are real and which one's are fake.

   Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others

   Do you ever just look at someone and "Why?" is the only thing you can come up with?