Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'

   Pouring the last bowlful of Lucky Charms from its box and finding no marshmallows is like pouring a bowlful of sadness.

   I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.

   You don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there.

   I would walk into the light, but that's where all the bugs are.

   Feelings are like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.

   I sent my wife to Home Depot to buy a set of knee pads for me. Hey, fair is fair.

   Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.

   Wow....turns out I'm NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.

   Girl Scout cookies are a lot like crack. Only instead of a creepy sweatsuit wearing thug taking the cash, it's a cute kid with freckles & braces.........

   My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid a unicorn herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   With the money they have they could of bought a better baby name......

   A lot of independent women wish they had someone to depend on.

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   I do push ups with my eyebrows, don't be hatin!!

   I haven't changed my clock since last year so today my clock is finally right!

   Taking my Mother-in-Law swimming off the western coast of Australia

   Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.