Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every year Santa runs over Grandma with his Reindeer. I wonder if I give him extra cookies if he would aim for my ex wife this year instead?

   I'm not being weird. I'm being me. There's a difference. A small one, but still a difference

   Got an email about seasonal jobs as a “package handler”. Had to check to make sure it was for UPS and not the TSA…

   Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just in case.

   Jealousy is an illness, get well soon!

   Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

   The main problem with a high maintenance woman is that the upkeep costs never go down.

   the weather forecast sounds so dirty when the female meteroligists talk about all those inches!!!

   Buying a used mattress is like buying used underwear...You just dont do it!!

   next time a doctor tells you to cut your alcohol intake, tell them that wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, and beer is made from grain, cutting back on alcohol will reduce my 5-a-day!

   I've made a decision. When I die, I am going to have my butt mounted above the fireplace so I can keep an eye on all of you.

   Play any of the Terminator or Conan video games nowadays and amazingly the 'cheat codes' will be already be turned on.

   If you invite me to your BBQ and you don't have Southern Comfort then I ain't coming.

   happy green vomit day!

   If you find out your guest has no toilet paper from the other side of the door, you have FAILED as a host.

   You know the pain pills are strong enough when taking one makes you sound like Ozzy Ozbourne.

   Diaper change epiphany: Corn can't possibly have any nutritional value.

   ☐ Single. ☐ Taken. ☑ Helping Mario get Peach back

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   For sale: Dignity, gently used. Comes with sense of shame (still in box). $1 OBO.