Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knowledge is my weapon of choice in a battle of wits. I see you brought ignorance. This is gonna be a massacre!

   I hope Walmart isn't out of winter white flipflops...

   A moment of silence for all the brave coffee beans that gave their lives, so millions of people can get through another day.

   A fun thing to do during an argument is bring up every irrelevant detail from past arguments until you win & die alone.

   Today's the perfect day for ribs and Salsa music.

   Samuel L. Jackson knows he can turn down movies, right?

   I wake up easy most of the time, but every now and then, I wake up hard.

   "I'll eat your kids for breakfast!" - me talking to a chicken.

   Trying 2 improve my self image, so I placed a note on my mirror that reads "objects are smaller than they appear."

   Be yourself" is the worst advice you can give to some people.

   What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

   The only thing more annoying than working for a living is people.

   If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it's a vegetable.

   I hate when I get drunk and start bidding on e-bay

   What if you just started licking the dentist fingers while they were in your mouth.

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? .........Mark Sanchez

   Not everyone you like will like you back and vice versa. Such is life. Sounding bitter and whiny about it probably won't help your cause.

   New diet idea. Have someone break your heart.....don't eat for 3 months

   If crazy were a place, it would be here.

   Vick's career has always been dogged by bad decisions ..