Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A pregnant prostitute went to a doctor and he asked, “Do you know who the father is?” She replied, “Well, if you ate a can of baked beans, do you know which one made you fart?”

   When something bad happens you have 3 choices, You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

   Free speech is guaranteed under the U.S constitution. Intelligence is not. Just watch the news.

   Antoine Dodson arrested for possession of marijuana. He should have added that to his list of things to hide...

   to the guy above this.. I'm talking about the world ending..

   ‎"I didn't know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book"

   Some of you are so dumb, I don't even know how you found the internet.

   If by romantic you mean being indifferent and occasionally funny, then yes, I'm super romantic.

   If you don't hate yourself after it, you haven't eaten enough.

   I still have every movie I've ever rented.

   I've decided to quit drinking! Instead I'm peeling the labels off my beer sticking them to my forehead and telling everyone I'm on the patch

   Karma means I can sleep at night, knowing that everyone I mistreated today had it coming!

   I think the only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of girls,,, and having ALL of them like it.

   it looks like a clown threw up on Lady Ga Ga's face

   All this makeup is hiding how certain girls really look. Smokey eyes , thick ass eyebrows. Gotta take these girls swimming on the first date

   Football officially starts its regular Sunday rotation tomorrow. So ladies, if there's anything that you wanna say to your husband, today's the day!

   Taco Bell sells tacos. Whataburger sells burgers. Chicken Express sells chicken. Panda Express are lying basta?ds!

   Knowledge is my weapon of choice in a battle of wits. I see you brought ignorance. This is gonna be a massacre!

   I hope Walmart isn't out of winter white flipflops...

   A moment of silence for all the brave coffee beans that gave their lives, so millions of people can get through another day.