Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I put on sweatpants I sing "eye of the tiger" so that everyone will know why.

   You'll never regret having a safety deposit box stuffed full of fake passports and sixty million dollars.

   the last thing you want to feel at your colonoscopy is your doctors hands on your sholders

   Says having Steven Tyler as a judge on American Idol is like having a Triple Crown Winner at Wal-Mart giving pony rides!

   I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently, they're not a "proper present".

   how come the nesquik rabbit can drink his milk while the trix rabbit can't eat his food?

   Shin and/or Toe: Definition: Device(s) used to locate furniture in the dark......

   madder than a midget without a show on TLC.

   had better get to work. these scissors aren't going to run with themselves...

   Kanye West spent nearly $3,000,000 to propose to Kim. Let that sink in for a moment.

   12 things about me. 7- I can't count.

   Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

   Why are we wasting valuable space on Miley Cyrus?

   Your personality is a size "0" too.

   There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child

   never in my entire life have I cooked the right amount of spaghetti noodles.

   Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

   Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

   Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.