Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy 4/21 -national surprise drug test day!

   Cats. Because why should conditional love only come from family?

   I don't always eat what is right. Sometimes I eat what is left.

   Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself.

   Welcome to Facebook! Where liars tell more lies, enemies are Facebook friends, weak people turn into Facebook gangsters, haters complain about haters and every person who talks about money ain't got none.

   In the South we don't pay no attention to that stupid ground hog. We go out and look at the bush hog, if there is frost on it, it's still cold... dammit.

   Girls don't dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time

   Condoms DO NOT guarentee safe sex anymore... A FB friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's Husband...

   Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone asa a light, yup that high..

   OK..... Not making a Latin American joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   "Hump Day" is a crock! I haven't been laid on a Wednesday since 2007!

   I tried to make it rain but now there is coffee everywhere and one of my coworkers is on the way to the hospital.

   Before I get to my status update I just wanted to say I really can't stand people who think they are so perfect. The world doesn't revolve around you! Now on to my status, I can't believe how awesome I am. Who knew somebody could be so perfect!

   Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

   I'm at the point today that I'm willing to pee my pants if that means I can go home early.

   Someone said that I need to look at the world from a woman's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.

   whenever I get tired of being single I take a dump on myself, to remember what its like to be in a relationship

   Man I think it is BS that certain nations have our back in war-time situations but won't help with our search for Bigfoot

   To my neighbor dude who just saw me smoking outside without pants on: I'm sorry. To his wife: You're welcome.