Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "How much for the man cave?" "Sir that's a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"

   You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

   This all started when I told her to prove it.

   Fellas; You need to know that if her favorite movie is The Notebook, she will never be satisfied and happy.

   Why isn't a group of squid called a squad?

   My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people

   Ask your doctor if it’s the right OCD medication for you... Then ask him 3 more times, knock on the wall twice and ensure the door is locked.

   Dear Mother Nature: Get off the Vortex aleready.

   It's hard to compliment a fake person without lying.

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'

   I think the cats are hording all the single women out there... Happy Valentines Day everyone

   Anyone who invites me to play one of those letter games will get the letters F and U.

   Headed to the gym, and then to Taco Bell because I like to keep my body guessing if I love it or hate it.

   Etiquette question: If you have a co-worker who desperately needs a nose haor trimmer, do you just anonymously leave one on their desk, or do you tell her about it?

   Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.

   I don't think it matters if a person is right-handed or left-handed, as long as they aren't under-handed.

   Avon stocks have lost 11% of their value this year. Apparently they are under investigation for allegedly bribing foreign officials. Well it looks like no more free lipstick and panties for Kim Jong-Un.

   Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.

   I don't get why women panic over taking pregnancy tests. I would've jumped at the chance of peeing on all my tests when I was in school

   I'm so drunk I almost answered my phone.