Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!

   If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

   Not every relationship is to learn a life lesson. Sometimes it's for a new steak marinade, unsafe sexual position or where not to vacation.

   Your parents payed your iPhone, MacBook and bought you car? And they're paying for your school? Please, tell me how hard your life is.

   Nobody should regret anything that made them smile.

   You had me at let's get divorced.

   Dear Ladies, If he calls you at 3:00AM…no offense, but you probably weren't first on the list.

   When I'm in the shower I let the water run down my arms so it looks like I'm shooting water out of my fingertips

   I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny... until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel.

   If I hadn't already faked 13 illnesses this month to get out of work, I'd totally do it again today.

   There should be a website where emotionally void sociopaths can form fake relationships to mask the desperation of lonely lies they tell each other.

   So many good trailers, so few good movies...

   As a guy, the hardest thing about shopping for lingerie is asking for a fitting room

   I'm a smart person... I just do stupid things..

   If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.

   You know there comes a point where you should say NO while watching a reality show of a couple in Alaska digging a deep hole by hand in frozen ground for an outhouse because the other one has a frozen poopsicle in it. What is wrong with me?

   I'd rather live each day as if it's my 2nd to last day. My last day will probably involve a lot of blood and I'm a little bit squeamish.

   Dudes,,, If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,,,, talk in your sleep

   So I'm assuming that North West won't be a One Direction fan?

   So apparently washing machine riding should be done in the privacy of your own home. Oops!