Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, it’s easy to change a man. Just nag him constantly. Then you can watch him change from happy to bitter before your eyes.

   Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.

   My wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier,I was was so pissed of....Though to be fair it was my owne fault for leaving them on.

   The French are only good for fries, toast, and kisses...

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, some poems rhyme, others don't

   I just got arrested by a drunk cop. He keeps asking why I pulled him over. There's something wrong here.

   Real cases, real people, real emotional abuse....JUDGE JUDY

   Been eating thin mints like crazy and haven't lost a pound

   The best things in life are free……for the first 90 days.

   Will be open for Flirting from 8pm - 2am, Monday - Sunday.

   "There's plenty of fish in the sea", "Well that's cool, but I'm human."

   If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.

   Guy asked girl "Does the carpet match the drapes?" she says, "Nope, hardwood floors"

   The Swedish Chef is the greatest Muppet of all time. END OF DISCUSSION.

   The best relationships are the ones you didn't expect, the ones you didn't wish for, the ones you didn't plan and the ones you never saw coming.

   It's the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go apesh!t

   ''A married man is 4 times more likely to die during sex if his partner isn't his wife.'' Especially if his wife owns a gun.

   I don't spank my kid, I find waving the gun works so much better

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   I hate people who say, “Talk to me I am bored”. STFU, do I look like I was put on this planet to entertain you?