Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may be addicted to brake fluid but I can stop at any time.

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. She has 5 fingers and the middle one's for you.

   Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   Do me a favor..run your face into my fist really hard..

   I wish I could google the things I've misplaced.

   There are more woman than men in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

   Dear Santa, Last year I asked for and received your list of naughty girls, It was fun but I think I am past that point in my life. This year I would like to receive your list of good girls with naughty tendencies!

   For an added bonus the shake weight will squirt your face with water after a 15 minute workout.

   Did you know vegan is short for joyless judgemental twat.

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.

   Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn't want to talk too.

   "kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem

   To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

   Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.

   Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?

   Everyone's all "confederate flag" this, "gay marriage" that. And I'm just sitting here waiting for the new Minions movie to come out.

   When I think of you I touch myself. On my temples. You give me a migraine.

   I would love to put all the girls I slept with in one room to see if they can figure out what they all had in common

   After over 350 years,,, The Vatican finally apologized to Galileo, so don't expect an apology for child abuse anytime before 2363.

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign