Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woman logic: Joins a free dating site and complains about men being cheap.

   If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   Forget Klondike, you should see what people do for open bar!

   How long are we gonna joke about the government shutting down and pretend like Skynet didn’t just go online?

   My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614

   The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   I think I will dye some Easter eggs white this year

   Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.

   I put the pro in inappropriate.

   It's a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman.

   Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too."

   that a person who really loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everoyone else still believes in the smile on your face

   I was bored so I went to Walmart, Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!” boy was that employee freaked out!!!

   Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

   making cows laugh and watching milk run out their nose

   Anger is an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.

   I just cleaned out my Facebook friends list. Congratulations if you are reading this! I still like you!

   Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo.