Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paula Deen's signature dish: "Butter Sauteed in Butter Topped with a Buttery Melted Butter Glaze with a side of Butter Sticks dipped in Butter."

   My girlfriend is so silly. I'm looking at her phone and she's been sending all these sweet love messages and sexts to the wrong number as I never got any of them.

   I'm too sober for this sh*t

   I'm not big into Easter traditions, but I'm pretty sure drunkenly searching for an Egg McMuffin at this hour counts as Easter egg hunting.

   Why can't someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?

   It's not considered an accessory if your Chihuahua is prettier than you are.

   Apart from paying bills and feeling tired all the time, adulthood is not that great.

   No thats not SWAG, thats just an idiot who doesn't know what a belt is.

   I'm guessing that the end of Cowboys Vs. Aliens is predictable. Tony romo buckles under the pressure & throws an interception to the aliens

   People say "when your palm itches, you are going to receive money". My butt itches... I bet I don't get SH*T¡

   Boobs are the best hand warmers.

   Sometimes I'll play air bass instead of air guitar just to mess with people.

   A fun game to play at a party is to see how many pairs of socks you can sniff before the host asks you to leave.

   Whenever I say: "I'm as sober as a Judge" I'm talking about Paula Abdul.

   Once a Clinton, always a liar.

   Republicans Hate dead people ... They want to deny them their right to vote.

   I see the same women that call Trump a pig..Praising Hugh Hefner tonight. I'll take stupid for $800 Alex

   there a tax I can pay to end Covid-19 or does that only work with Climate Change?

   You know you've made a serious vocational error, if you're covered in blood, crap, or oil by 6am.

   Even though my house has an alarm, I still like to set booby traps...just in case.