Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feels like this thing has turned into an FML website... but they arent even funny now

   I question the marketing department at car dealerships. Does anyone drive by and say "Look balloons! I gotta buy a car!"

   You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac... you're welcome.

   Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for 'lesbian'. It has been changed to 'vagitarian'. 

   Excuse but your status is showing

   wondering WHY does Barnes & Noble have all their books on back pain on the bottom shelf? WTF?!

   I just ate so much ravioli I could sh*t an Italian. If it turns out to be Snooki, you all better thank me when I flush that crazy b*tch.

   Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

   F*ck your Four Loko. I swallowed my Day-Quil with 5 Hour energy & a latte & now my pet unicorn Steve & I are off to bake cheesecakes.

   What is a girlfriend?? Addition of problems. Subtraction of money. Multiplication of enemies. Division of friends.

   men's prison is a lot like facebook...if someone really likes you, they'll poke you a lot

   If you want a stable relationship.. get a damn horse

   Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

   Dress the way you want to be Addressed

   Wife called, she said, "2 packages arrived today. The 1st was your PS3 and the 2nd is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours." I said, "You'll be f*cking lucky, I only ordered 1 controller.

   Lets play post office... You lick and I'll deliver.

   For some reason, they dont seem to be marketing the Tickle Me Elmo as heavily this Christmas.

   BREAKING NEWS: Wal-Mart is now selling Justin Bieber CDs in the Garden Center. Right next to the Pansies.

   Dentist told me I need a crown. I was like, I KNOW, RIGHT??

   Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!