Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.

   My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

   The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.

   Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.

   Dude, you need a Field Goal, two Touchdowns, and two Two-Point Conversions just to take this to overtime. That's impossible! Brady: Hold my beer.

   I decided to start calling my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do every morning is go to the Jim.

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   It was fortunate that while investigation into Trump's wild claims took place, there was no other news to report.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans.

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll

   Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

   I've absorbed so much disinfectant and soap that when I pee I clean the toilet

   Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.

   3 wks in lockdown widout sugar n aerated drinks.no dairy, bakery items or caffeine! I feel great! No alcohol, fried items 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 Kgs & gained muscle mass!! no idea whose status this was but I decided to copy

   Why is it that before I go into the grocery store, I feel like I am about to pull off a heist?

   [Me in Heaven] God: You're about to get your wings. Me: Great! Buffalo or BBQ? God: Get out.

   Look on the bright side parents, at least now you have an excuse not to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.

   I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.