Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have to be careful. I have an image to protect. You know, the one where I appear to be listening to what you say.

   the reason I use condoms is because children have the odd habit of bringing home fundraising forms.

   Self Control is not smacking 2 girls arguing over which filter to use before Instagraming a pic of their Pumpkin Spice Latte.

   When your dreams turn to dust....its time to vacuum.

   My goal on Saturday is to spend the maximum amount of time being horizontal as possible.

   I don't care if you think I'm crazy. Life is too short to be normal!

   I'm not just great in bed. I'm great other places, too.

   Wait, it's "let it go"? I thought it was, "If you love something, drop it off a building." Boy, have I been doing that wrong.

   So confused right now, don't know whether to join a gym or buy Photoshop.

   This day needs a Vodka filled tsunami.

   You're definitely doing something wrong if you have had more eX's than you have had O's in your life.

   Always look for the good in everyone… if you can't find it, you probably need another drink.

   Oh, you dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Cool. I'll have a number 1 and hold the lettuce please.

   The U.S. Secret Service...secretly being serviced ;)

   When I was a kid, I didn't think humans could move their feet like Fred Flintstone. That is until that time the Ice Cream truck passed my house without stopping.

   Sorry for drunk texting you again last night. I assure you that I didn't mean what I said, unless you feel the same way

   If I had known I would run into this many a-holes in my life, I would have capitalized on it and specialized in proctology!

   The Universe is now in harmony. Just saw a redhead drink a Ginger Ale.

   We are at DefCon 2. Snow has been forecasted in the area. A whole 1-3 inches. Yes, there is panic.

   i was gonna give you a raise, but you clicked your tongue ring against your teeth one too many times...we get it, your tongue is pierced, stop playing with it..we're not having sex, so I dont care