Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adele: Hello. Lionel Richie : Hello is it me you're looking for? Pink Floyd : Hello. Hello. Is anybody in there? Me: This conference call sucks.

   Well, I learned this week that ya don't buy your Parmesan at the Dollar Tree.

   Times co-worker has mentioned she's a vegan today: 6. Times I've asked: 0.

   If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic.

   Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

   Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.

   The 13 year old girl I was chatting with just told me she is a police officer. Amazing.....she's only 13 and already has a strong work ethic..

   I'm starting to think this is the last season of America and the writers are going insanely nuts.

   Can't wait for Game of Thrones. During this election it'll be refreshing to watch people competing for a crown in a more civilized way.

   Women are the only people who can go out to bar broke but come home drunk.

   I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?"

   Blind man walks into a bar.... And a table, and a chair.

   With a gentle stroke he wipes her tears away, and accidentally her eyebrows

   I want to push all your buttons. Starting with mute.

   When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.

   You can get away with anything at Costco if you wear a hairnet

   I know what you did this upcoming summer...................................... *NSA

   I don't talk to myself. My dog is generally around.

   You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks