Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not in a good mood, but I'll fake it 'til I make it.

   And then I was all like: "I'm really getting sick of your sh*t." And then she was all like: "To speak with a representative please say representative..." UGH!!

   There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

   I'm not opinionated, you're just always wrong!

   has advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   The good thing about Alzheimer is that you meet new people every day.

   supports the health cares 10% tax addition to tanning.....as long as I dont have to be the one to tell the cast of Jersey Shore.

   There are two rules for success: #1. Don't tell all you know.

   Yesterday was Mozart's birthday. The Austrian people are always trumpeting the fact that Mozart is from there. I think it's meant to take your mind off any other very famous Austrians.

   Know your limitations people! Just because the item says "one size fits all" doesn't mean you should try to fit your big a$$ in to it....just sayin'

   The only way you have a 12 incher is when you leave Subway!!!

   I did not celebrate Valentines Day but instead chose to celebrate the Chinese New Year... and its the year of the Tiger and my god what a year it has been for the man!!

   I have many problems in my life, but my lips doesnt know them.. they always smile

   fun facts of the day: Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks, all of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20, and Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

   If I call you cupcake it's because I'm probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead.

   Read a story about a man who was killed by wave.. All I can think is how big was the other guy's hand?

   If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

   iPhone 5: Still no toothpick :(

   just at the gynecologist and during my pap test my Dr. was whistling if I were an oscar meyer weiner!! Never going back there.

   Has either candidate even addressed the fact that we're running out of stripper names?