Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I finally got around to reading 50 Shades of Grey and I don't see what the big deal is.....I mean its no different then all of the other Sherwin Williams brochures that I've looked through......

   WebMD says this thing on my back is called a Wife, and, left untreated, it is usually fatal.

   The girl opposite me on the bus is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and say hello.

   My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker, Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

   Its funny the way guys come out of the woodwork when a girl on Facebook turns "single". Commenting and liking everything.

   Yoda could never get married because every time he announce his vows he replies "Do I?"

   Watching wrestling. Kinda tired of hearing the fans yell "WHAT???" That catchphrase was old years ago. DAMN YOU STEVE AUSTIN! ;) ;) ;)

   How many BBQ's do I have to get drunk at to prove I love America????

   Raid should make suppositories for all the people with bugs up their asses.

   You said you would go out with me only if it were our last day on earth... my pickup line tonight

   "I'm coming".........The two words, no matter how or when used, women usually lie about.

   It definitely takes a lot of courage to stand up to your enemies but it takes a whole lot more to stand up to your friends...or to yourself.

   $100 - Roses, $50 - Dinner, $75 - Hotel, Knowing I saved that money this year - Priceless

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!...WITH A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA!! Crap, didn't work.

   Everyone keeps talking about a civil war. A key detail everyone keeps forgetting...one side has 8 trillion bullets and the other doesn't know which bathroom to use.

   If there is a hand on each shoulder, it's not a prostate exam.

   Ladies, if what you did to him cannot be fixed with a blow job then I suggest you better start looking for a new boyfriend.

   Women: When it comes to doggie style...men are behind you 100%

   My New Year's Resolution is to be less funny on Facebook, and more cryptic and dramatic instead. By the way, today was the WORST Day EVER!

   Does anybody know today's date?