Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

   I was meditating this morning... ok actually I was sitting on my bed and starring 20 minutes at the wall... but it still counts

   When the apocalypse comes soy sauce & ketchup packets WILL be our currency. Otherwise I've been collecting these for nothing

   I've been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree

   If you can read, thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a soldier.

   "Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.

   ♫ All in all, it's just a... nother post on my wall. ♫

   : Santa Claus reported his naughty girls list stolen, Police comfirm Tiger Woods is the prime suspect.

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too.

   If I won the lottery I wouldn't quit my job. However, I would test the limits of misbehaving until they fired me :) __ I'll call this wish #473.

   Everyone is complaining about the Polish taking jobs. What about the lesbians taking our women?

   that akward moment when she pulls out one bigger than yours

   All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.

   Sorry, but I don't take relationship advice from single people. That's like taking advice on how to jump hurdles from a dude with no legs.

   Some people message me and wonder why I've deleted them from my friends list. And I always respond "Even the trash gets taken out once week around here."

   would it not be awesome if that crashing nasa satellite finds that piece of human garbage casey anthony and squishes her on the toilet

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

   I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.