Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had a woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful...

   Mitt Romney proposed to bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. Or as its known in Republican circles, pocket change. Or 2 ½ hookers.

   I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk. The clerk says, "What r you doing?" I said,"I want to open a joint account"

   President's Day: a day the USA remembers when it had presidents worth celebrating.

   When will women ever learn? Never post pictures of yourself and your hotter friend posing together. Especially when she has bigger boobs than you. It will only make you invisible and insignificant.

   The hardest part about keeping up with the Kardashians is swallowing all that semen.

   "Prince Williams bachelor party musta been awkward. Imagine stuffing bills in some strippers thong and they all got a picture of Grandma on em."

   R.I.P Lindsay Lohan : (not really, I'm just practicing.......

   I have been so lazy this week the the Government called and asked if I wanted a check!!!

   There are 10 types of people in the world...Those that understand Binary Code and those that do not!!

   I think I'll go shovel the "Global Warming" out of the driveway!

   Good guys with guns are all over the place. But you never hear about them because they are not breaking the law.

   It takes me a week to return a phone call, but I will knock over a baby to get to my phone if I even think I hear a Facebook notification

   Have you ever taken a dump on the toilet backwards? It's so awesome you can read book or eat a meal or even work on the laptop without heating up your legs. Such a great experience. You never have to get up.

   I sprained a finger when I saw a post that said "unfriend me if you don't support Clinton", I couldn't click fast enough.

   I just drove thru the 'hood and didn't see any NFL players helping the oppressed.

   I just explained Google images to my mom. "Pick anything to search for..." I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked... "Except that." I replied

   I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

   I'm so bored right now, I've actually started paying my bills as a way to entertain myself.

   If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the "Sweet & Sour Soup"