Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smartphones are pacifiers for adults. Like give him a smartphone maybe he will shut the hell up.

   I'm OCD but I worry that I'm not OCD enough.

   I really like what you've done with your crazy.

   Your selfie needs more paper bag.

   It's time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops.

   Of all the things I learned in High School, how to hide an erection has proven to be the most beneficial in my career.

   Hope you're feeling OK after being sexually violated by Miley Cyrus last night.

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your mom 3 glasses of wine.

   Opinions don't affect facts, but facts should affect opinions, and do, if you're rational

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   my cats gonna s*it when he see's I got him a new litter box for his B-day..

   Global warming is caused by people being uncool.

   Don't ask me for advice my answer is always get them drunk.

   No. Annie is WHITE. You got it all wrong.

   has found her favorite machine at the gym it's the vending machine!

   I'd probably go to church if all the women wore yoga pants. And they were all hot. And it was at a bar. A free bar. Amen.

   So this girl at a coffee bar came up to me and said I was kinda cute. Kinda? Well, thanks, you sort of fat b!tch.

   I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had a woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful...

   Mitt Romney proposed to bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. Or as its known in Republican circles, pocket change. Or 2 ½ hookers.

   I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk. The clerk says, "What r you doing?" I said,"I want to open a joint account"