Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parenting: negotiating with terrorists every single minute of every single day for the rest of your miserable life.

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   Ladies, if you ever get a big ego because a lot of guys want to get with you, just remember this, some guys have been known to get it on with farm animals.

   My contribution to mother earth is not to waste water cleaning glasses when I can drink straight from the bottle

   Talk to your kids about marijuana. Maybe they have a higher grade than you do.

   It’s so embarrassing when you say, "I love you, too," only to realize the person was waving to someone behind you.

   When you realize Charles Manson is getting more play than you!

   If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.

   I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.

   Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.

   I really like the people who say; "60 is the new 40" because I know if I borrow $60 from them, all I have to pay back is $40.

   Dear women, We don't speak 'hint'. Yours truly, Men

   That 1/4 mile of blindness, before the defrost kicks in...

   if someone else is in the picture with you why do some people still call it a "selfie"?....that's a "groupie"

   Come on snooze button, is 5 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.

   Being a gentleman in these times is a thankless job. I tried to compliment a seemingly nice young lady and ended up having to explain that I'm not, thirsty, creepy or a stalker.

   If you say there's a party in your pants, you should throw some glitter on your nuts and make it a disco.

   Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

   I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.