Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Of course, now your life will be shorter than it was yesterday. Way to waste yesterday, MORON!

   I'll stand at the front door until she finally asks, “Are you coming inside?” It never gets old.

   Letting someone with braces blow you is like a Saw movie to your p enis.

   “According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

   Got home from work,, The Athlete in me said go bike 10 miles, but then the Couch Potato in me said, kick back, have a drink and turn on the boob tube.....

   The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking.

   sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk'd...

   Growing up is basically moving yourself from a state of blissful ignorance to one of agonizing awareness.

   Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.

   Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.

   Internet dating is like ordering fast food, It looks really good in the picture, but when you see it in person its a whole different ballgame.

   Does the Food Network deliver?

   People who throw foreign words into conversations to make themselves appear cultured are küntz

   There should be a Fresh Prince reunion where Will Smith plays himself and rest of them are unemployed.

   Dollar Store pregnancy tests,,, Cause you gonna be gettin your expired baby food and single ply diapers there after anyway.

   'I'm wearing yoga pants', is the new 'I'm not wearing any panties'

   I am all for self-belief, self-worth, self-esteem but a woman declaring herself hot and complementing herself on her own beauty smacks of serious desperation, delusion and self-conceit.

   Parenting: negotiating with terrorists every single minute of every single day for the rest of your miserable life.

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   Ladies, if you ever get a big ego because a lot of guys want to get with you, just remember this, some guys have been known to get it on with farm animals.