Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still very much single! So is now taking applications if you think your suitable for the position apply here the pay is terrible but the benefits are great...

   it just me, or do those Stouffer's French Bread pizzas burn the sh%t out of the roof of your mouth too?

   Insomnia causes questionable browser history.

   If you want to talk to me send me a message in my inbox, don't broadcast it on my wall for everyone else to see. Thank you.

   The DC Earthquake was caused by direct reverberations from the opposite side of the Earth. It's from China jumping up and down in anger when they realized they're not gonna get their money back.

   Who ever made up the term "marital bliss" probably was the same genius who made up other phrases like military intelligence, pretty ugly, and authentic reproduction.

   Having a dog is like having an alarm system that stains your floors.

   They say you never forget your first love and it's true, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about beer.

   I just went downstairs and my roommate is watching American Idol. I am not saying the show is bad or anything, but sometimes I think it would be fun to be in the audience with a toilet plunger and a crossbow.

   I can always tell when it is Senior Citizen Discount Day at the grocery near my house. All the blue parking spaces are double parked.

   the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled f**k and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex

   This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather

   Watching a little kid learn to brush their teeth is adorable... unless they are trying to use a sharpie with no cap on.

   babies have it so easy, they can poop or puke on anyone and people will still think theyre cute!

   Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way"... yeah, I probably do.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, and so are my.......whatever you imagine, thats up to you!

   I feel like such a pansy when something hits my windshield & makes me flinch.

   thinks that if you ever try and fail, you need to erase all evidence that you tried.

   Do not drunk dial or text tonight. Note to self: come back and read this at 3am

   Don't be sad, if you think you're not important to someone....or something, Just Google yourself.