Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there's nothing like leaving king kong's finger in the local service station's toilet ......

   If the meaning of life is the greatest mystery of all, why don't we put Matlock on the case? You know what I'm talking about…AWWW YEAH

   When a woman says “What?” It's not because didn't hear you, she's just giving you a chance to change what you said!

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

   My doctor e-mailed me asking if I knew my “blod group”. I replied, “typo.”

   If I had nickel for everyime you made me angry, I'd put them in a bag and beat you with them.

   Awkward....That moment when you think you are being helpful by telling someone they "got a lil dirt on their forehead" and they tell you it's Ash Wednesday.

   I propose we walk everywhere for the rest of our lives. That'll show those evil oil companies!!

   Did you blow Bubbles when you were younger? Well, he's back in town and wants your number.

   Someday, I hope to disappoint a burglar with my one and only possession. A kitchen drawer filled with Taco Bell sauce packets.

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there

   I care more about the reception being an open bar than whether you marry same sex

   When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON"

   heres an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets

   Just finished at Walmart and McDonald's. On my way to visit a family member in prison to complete the trifecta.

   It's amazing how a little p0rn, masturbation, and a 20 minute nap can change your disposition.

   Like if the T Mobile commercial gets your attention because you thought you heard "Walking in an Orgy Wonderland"!! Gets me every time!!

   You made me laugh so hard, tears ran down my leg.

   Whenever I see a grown man on a bicycle, I can't help but think DUI.

   Have you ever done it kitty style? It's like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.