Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While you make her cry, another guy listens, understands her and makes her feel special. But you are not worried because you think and believe she only likes him as a friend forgetting that a shoulder to cry on can quickly turn into a d*ck to ride on.

   Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she’d stood him up.

   I like to wear Grocery store uniforms and tell homeless people that I'm there to repo the shopping cart.

   Nobody can't 'except' you are a very spiritual person but I'm sure a few could 'accept' it.

   Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use Real dinosaurs...

   The girl in line behind me at the store was taking duck face pics with her phone. I didn't have any bread crumbs on me so I hit that b%$ch in the face with a loaf of french bead.

   When our NATION would rather argue about whether or not Bert and Ernie are gay (hand puppets) and not address the fact that we are economical​ly in a disaster!!​ Then I must say enough is enough and we have failed as a leading powerful country!!

   My little sister's password for the Disney website is “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto” I asked her why, she said “They told me to use 4 characters”

   refuseing to joke about Steve Jobs. One, because you're expecting it. Two, because I'm a good friend of his brother Blow. RIP Steve Jobs.

   I've given up looking for my soulmate. Just looking for a holemate now.

   I always found it ironic when the president of a nation who leads the world in global arms sales speaks out against gun violence.

   And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that's where I unfollowed you.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drink get colder. Music gets louder. Night get longer. Life gets Better.

   Don't worry, I got your back. And your ass. And a little in your hair too.

   Ghetto word of the Day: DISAPPOINTMENT. Usage: My Parole officer said if I miss disappointment they gonna throw my ass back in jail.

   I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

   Hi, Faithbook! - Mike Tyson

   I'd like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to those in America who still have faith in, and who resoundingly support Hillary Clinton. I applaud all 3 of yall :)

   its so hot, I just saw a bird blow a worm before it ate it