Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A security staffer at Coachella put Justin Bieber in a chokehold. Fortunately, he's used to being overpowered by men from behind.

   I need a girlfriend that hugs me if we fight.

   Breaking news: a massive earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter scale was just reported in south florida Don't be alarmed- it was just all of the heat bandwagon fans jumping off at the same time

   Self control for a teenage girl is seeing a mirror and not practicing your duck face.

   I'm giving up procrastination for Lent starting tomorrow.

   I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I'm not a good liar.

   Yes if a bunch of horny and thirsty guys on the internet called you hot then it must be so true.

   Not now, I'm busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.

   Someone needs to invent a pill that makes saving money feel as good as spending it.

   I'm not crazy; I've been just in a very bad mood for thirty years. :)

   NOTE TO SELF – Do NOT set your password reminder as “You Should Know This!!”

   If you don't carry around empty Dunkin' Donut gift cards to give to cops to get out of tickets, you guys aren't trying hard enough.

   I hate when my girlfriend lets something silly like a restraining order get in between us.

   If you aren't at least enjoying your path to self destruction, well then I just don't know.

   I wish I was as nice to everyone as I am when I leave phone messages for complete strangers.

   Disappointed with the lack of boobs on Twitter, I'm going back to Facebook.

   A girl just showed her boobs to a bouncer to get a keychain. I took it from her b/c she was sloppy drunk. Is this what pimping feels like?

   If your neighbors seem like the "nicest, quietest, friendliest" people, they probably have kidnapped humans in their basement zoo.

   To bad DR Doolittle doesn't live in Ohio :(

   I'm having doubts about that dehydrated water I bought for my plastic plants.