Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you get a girl who has everything ? Penicillin

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered...

   The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."

   You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.

   Today reminds me of that old Schoolhouse Rock episode, "How a Bill Becomes an Embarrassing Failure By Paul Ryan."

   Truth is truth. It does not need to be "balanced" and it isn't caused by voting, consensus, polls or by yelling louder or silencing someone.

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.

   Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"

   Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV

   I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.

   Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.

   "Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung

   I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..