Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor without putting down my beer.

   Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.

   Adele: "I set fire to the rain!" Spongebob: "That's nothing... I make campfires underwater."

   I've always wondered why they say count to 10 when you're angry, in that 10 seconds, I could knock them out and be calm

   finally told Frasier what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs!

   I don't feel bad about online shopping at work. It's the only place where I can spend money WHILE I make it.

   I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important... like being awesome.

   Just remembering my Saturday morning ...a bowl of trix , watch Super friends and Hong Kong Fuey and then my bike ..OUTSIDE till lunch .. great times

   "Boy that Steve Buscemi is one fine looking fella" said no one ever

   I save time by showing up at my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown

   FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

   My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I've failed to teach him our family's place in the psychiatric process...

   Safe to say none of us have any plans on eatinging Eminem's mom's spaghetti?

   My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   I'm just here for the relationship advice from single people.

   When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

   FYI: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats, if you push people off them and sit real fast.

   its all fun & games til you see a picture of what you looked like in 6th grade!

   Yeah Right,, like YOU'VE never told a screaming child in 7-11 you had a surprise for him,, reached into your pocket,, and pulled out a middle finger...