Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If ignorance is bliss a lobotomy may be my only chance at happiness.

   Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive

   I haven't gained weight. I'm just retaining cookies.

   I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.

   Pretending that the laser pointer app on your phone tells you if your kid brushed his teeth good enough..priceless!

   "Boy that Steve Buscemi is one fine looking fella" said no one ever

   I save time by showing up at my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown

   FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

   My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I've failed to teach him our family's place in the psychiatric process...

   Safe to say none of us have any plans on eatinging Eminem's mom's spaghetti?

   My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   I'm just here for the relationship advice from single people.

   When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

   FYI: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats, if you push people off them and sit real fast.

   its all fun & games til you see a picture of what you looked like in 6th grade!

   Yeah Right,, like YOU'VE never told a screaming child in 7-11 you had a surprise for him,, reached into your pocket,, and pulled out a middle finger...

   The easiest way to keep people from getting involved in your personal problems is to not post them on the internet.

   Remember the Harlem Shake? I think we can all agree that was really stupid.

   I manage my anger as long as you manage your stupidity and don't bother me with it.