Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish that some people wouldn't talk to me in the morning until I've had my coffee. (I don't drink coffee).

   checked in at The F-in Catalina Wine Mixer.

   Rather than raising the debt ceiling, why can't we just have a shorter government?

   I'm not that sympathetic to reports that Kim Kardashian suffers from a skin condition. She can change her taste in men any time.

   9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!

   Those who say our generation is messed up forget who raised us

   going to spend her cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home

   Note to the Easter Bunny: You're not fooling anyone with that fake grass in the basket.

   He's really got his father's scalp.

   Navy Seals: The expert exterminators.

   The only thing that could make this Weiner story more perfect is if it turns out to be Arnold Schwarzenegger's baby....

   I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.

   You know what sucks? Having a dream so realistic you have to think hard if it really happened or not. o_O

   Never say never...Unless someone asks if you're going to see the new Justin Bieber film

   When I grow up I want to be a kid.

   I DIDN'T SAY THAT YOUR GIRL WAS A $LUT! I MERELY INDICATED THAT HER "PRIVATE PARTS" WERE MORE LIKE "PUBLIC PARTS"

   Sorry, I'm not yawning because what you're saying is "boring." I'm merely stretching my mouth before I excercise it when I say "SHUT THE F*** UP!"

   Beyond tired right now.. everytime I blink I'm pretending its a mini nap

   I am 99.9% sure she doesn't like me and will never date me. But it's that 0.1% that keeps me going

   Can you hear those footsteps running behind you? That's not me running after you, that's karma catching up to you.