Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it me or does Herman Cain's latest accuser, Sharon Bialek, look like Stifler's mom?

   Who needs a therapist when you have music!

   Johnny Bravo would be so perfect for Jersey shore.

   There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you.

   I dont even know who this "Snookie" person is?

   Time for the shake weight exercise, minus the shake weight.

   I think we all know a girl that pretends that she wants to hang out, and then when you try to set something up, there's always an excuse. "Where were you tonight?" "Sorry, I had an emergency hair appointment!"

   im 99% sure you dont like me, and I'm 100% sure I dont care

   When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.

   This guy on Maury got caught with Naked pics in his phone, When his wife asked him about it he said they came with the phone

   A 5-year-old is really just an alarm clock without a snooze button.

   When giving a tour of my apartment, I just point at things and say, "I got my head stuck in that."

   Facebook's friend suggestion section should be renamed to "People you know, but probably hate."

   The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

   Hey, ladies, if you look like a snake swallowed a rib cage you're too skinny.

   When somebody sends me a "k" text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you", so I make sure to correct them.

   Nickelodeon should just stop making new shows and replay all the old ones

   I think there should be a special place in hell for whoever invented those strings of Christmas lights that wont work at all or blink half assed because one damn bulb is blown!

   If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel so dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.

   The absolute best way to get revenge is to sit back and watch while people destroy their own lives just by being themselves.