Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I planned on being productive today, then the voice in my head laughed and laughed and we took a nap.

   I'm hungry,, but the only thing in my fridge is Zuul.

   Fellas; There's no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.

   My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."

   I like pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square,,,, much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

   Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.

   I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.

   I would feel a lot safer if the drive-thru ATMs with Braille were located on the passenger side.

   "Wanna have phone sex?" "No, I'm on Virgin Mobile."

   Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

   Ladies, they're called "Skinny Jeans." Not "Makes You Skinny Jeans."

   sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry

   The first assembly instruction for all IKEA furniture should be open 1 beer.

   I was invited to take part in a flash mob. Showed up in just my trenchcoat. Now I'm disappointed.

   Illinois Governor Quinn has declared a state of disaster for Illinois.... It's been a disaster for a long time......

   If a Chinese student knows more English than you do in terms of punctuation and grammar....you're screwed.

   Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They've obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.

   Does anyone know where I can get a new lease on life? The one I have isn't working out.