Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   after today the rest of the world will get "FOUR MORE YEARS!" without having to hear about the US election.

   No matter how useless you feel, take pleasure in the fact that you're someone's reason to masturbate.

   My new dentist didn't even make me take off my pants, I don't think he's a real dentist.

   Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they truly are.

   Rachel Jeantel is the new Kato Kaelin.

   I hate arrogant people. It's like they think they're better than everyone. No one is better than me.

   I'll bet I can do less push ups than you.

   I refer to my former wife as my XBOX.

   Building credibility on Facebook is like having sex with a blow up doll and telling people you get laid all the time!

   Today's facebook Status update is brought to you by the letters "B"..and ored!

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember things could be worse, you could be from cleveland.

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   If Goth kids are supposed to be "non-conformist," then why do they all look alike?

   bathtub cleaned, condoms hid, fruit bought/displayed...bring on the parents!

   I literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.

   Has anyone ever realized what a klepto the little mermaid was...? Kids, it's okay to steal things as long as you keep them in your hidden cave, and sing about them.

   Thank you drive thru worker man for not only making me ask for ketchup but for also giving me only 2 packages for my large fry.

   If NASA is looking for anyone to go on a long term trip to Mars I would gladly volunteer right now. Anything to get the hell of this crazy planet would be good actually.

   "I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

   I think the kid's gotten too big and fat for the show to be able to call itself "Two and a Half Men" anymore.