Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Dear god thank you for all the good times you brought me in 2010. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name. 
The white house has a new Benghazi slogan: Hope and change the subject
I spend so much time on Facebook that I forgot the internet has porn.
This is my butt (_._) This is my butt in jail (__o__)
textually active
I asked my psychiatrist the other day if she thought I was crazy. She said, "No", so I put the flamethrower down.
I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.
I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.
i text one of my boss "Whats the difference between this morning and your daughter?".He says "I dont know" .I say "I'm not cuming in this morning
"Are you an archaeologist? 'Cos I've just discovered a bone in my pants, and I was wondering if you could date it."
Just Saw A Bumper Sticker That Said... "My High School Dropout, Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student..."
I rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you,then?"
I found out why my eyes are always watering during sex... It's the mace.
Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They've obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
Two main qualities of a desperate stalker, ugliness and low self esteem.
Apparently, mother nature isn't too fond of the brothers either…
When a woman doesn't cry over you anymore, it means another man is making her smile.
It's quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke.
A good rich old lady with a terminal illness is so hard to find these days...
What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera?.............Phil Ming 