Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   Red wine pairs beautifully with procrastination.

   "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.

   My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.

   Something I have in common with Mariah Carey- I don't know the words to her songs either.

   Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...

   sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

   When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   When it feels like your moral compass always points south.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.