Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Which dwarf is Kristen Stewart playing in this new Snow White movie? Her face makes me think it's Sleepy.

   You can't threaten me with Work when I came to Work.

   I'll let my dog ride with me to the store just to wait in the car for the sole purpose of him not assuming I'm doing something fun every time I leave the house.

   I don't have time to babysit ppl's feelings. Speak up. How I'm suppose to know what's wrong with you?

   I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, as I pop open a beer.

   An "ex" is like jail, if you keep going back then it shows you still haven't learnt a lesson.

   My Ultra sensitive toothpaste hates it when I use other toothpastes

   Just got my dream Job starts next Monday .. Window cleaner in Amsterdam.,

   Don't even TRY a home invasion at my house,,, I've got legions of Lego people ready to launch a campaign of foot pain terrorism at my command...

   So far, my resolution to teach the dog Tai Chi is much more difficult than you would think.

   Pre Gaming for Thanksgiving, no food for the next 24 hours.

   Maybe thats why she didnt win American Idol

   Sometimes I look at my FB feed and think "If you spent less time b!tching about your life, you might actually enjoy it."

   Hey guys, girls can be funny too. Like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends." or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops.”

   I would take a bullet for my wife, unless it was fired out of a gun.

   The biggest trick life plays on us, is the inability to fully appreciate something until it's gone. Except for broccoli.

   Ugly People: There's only so much that photoshop can do.

   some song lyrics are just so wrong.. "I drove all night to get to you, is that alright? I drove all night, crept in your room Woke you from your sleep, to make love to you Is that alright?"...No Roy, it was not alright at all!!!

   Some people think of you as a ladder. Once they use you to reach the top, they throw you down.

   Life is just a long, sick game of "Would you rather."