Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Captain and Tennille divorcing after 39 years? But I thought "Love was going to keep you together"? I guess he got tired of "Doing it to her one more time"

   I was discussing NFL football with a friend when he asked ‘When was the last time the Redskins had a decent season?’ I replied ‘I think it was 1491, the year before Columbus discovered America.’

   If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?

   I'll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

   I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You've probably seen our poster.

   The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

   Another successful year no random father's day cards in the mail!!!

   If I'm ever in a coma, please don't try to wake me. I'm doing what I love.

   If your car has reindeer antlers and a red nose then I should be allowed to shoot you

   Who says you can't make someone love you? I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

   I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”

   Relationship status: Just yelled "You're the fcuking problem!" at one of the cats.

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to $hit more at work.

   Its too bad I didn't win the Power Ball. I was really looking forward to buying three days of food from Whole Foods

   That selfie looks like your daddy missed a lot of ballet recitals.

   Every superhero has a secret identity except Aquaman because no one cares he's Aquaman

   Why didn't Spider-Man's enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?

   Dear Santa: This year I would like a "Bailout and a Bonus."..."Yes, I know I have been really bad, spent my money frivolously ,even did some illegal things and therefore I think I deserve it."----The Government

   If I burned the bridge between us.. Chance are you gave me the match..