Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a gentleman never goes out of style

   Only 364 shopping days till Christmas..

   If you love me, let me know. If not, please take the $20 and finish the job.

   trying to figure out how to use the three seashells.

   - Ladies, you have Feb. 14th (Valentine's Day) - Not to worry Men, we have March 14th...If you don't know what March 14th is, Google it :)

   Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life

   It's bullsh!t that 1-800-PET-MEDS won't deliver medicinal marijuana to my dog.

   "Mom...can I wear a mini skirt today?" "NO!" "Why not I'm 17?" "Justin I said no!"

   Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account.

   “I'm Single ” doesn't mean ” I'm looking for somebody “, just thought you should know.

   LIKE IF: You sat down to check Facebook real quick and...an hour later, you're still here.

   First time I saw a dry erase board I said thats "remarkable"

   Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.

   will never understand why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

   Roses Are Red Violets Are Red Trees Are Red Fuck my gardens on fire!

   life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain

   Elon Musk fired 8000 employees and Twitter is working just fine. Makes you wonder what they were doing all day long.

   can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr old boy living in Namibia. He has 1 leg, 1 arm, and 1 eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school with a bike w/ bent wheels and no brakes. If you just send $2, we will send you the video it's freaking hilarious.

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   My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o'clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun.