Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   X When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement

   ghetto: when your GPS says roll up ur windows, lock the doors and DRIVE.

   ..thinks her computer is so slow, it must be running Windows B.C...

   A trip to Walmart at 3am has now convinced that the next zombie outbreak will happen. I have seen carriers of the virus but they look to have some immunity. They look and smell like the living dead but they are still very much alive.

   Ahh Sams Club.. Ever notice the people who frequent that place? It's kind of like the bar scene from StarWars

   Last week a stranger told me that "the pen is mightier than the sword," so I challenged him to prove it. I cut him up pretty badly, but he was right: that permanent ink is tough to get off.

   Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..

   Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had diarrhea!

   I say "DUDE" right before I say something moderately important.

   Friends are like shoes. We look for good-looking ones, but at the end, we choose the ones we feel comfortable with.

   I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change.

   Easter chocolate tastes so much better than normal chocolate...

   Just remember even though it is Earth Day, you should not tie yourself to any trees a bear might come by and eat you, one of the many things I have learned from 1,000 Ways to Die

   Dear Google, You bring up millions of results, if I don't see what I want on the first page, I asume it's not there Sincerely EVERYONE.

   People who persevere are annoying to the rest of us who'd rather quit and go drink.

   Sometimes standing for what you believe in means that you have to sacrifice temporarily for the greater good. It's amazing how quickly peoples "values" change when their personal comfort level is threatened

   Once you get to be older, "friends with benefits" just means your partner has a solid 401k and a kick a$$ dental plan.

   Married life has many Ups and Downs... I just wish most of them were between the sheets!

   Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. George Carlin

   I think my constipation is Psychological. I cant ever take a dump until I hear my wife say "I'm about to take a shower does anyone need to use the Bathroom?"