Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!

   woke up with the song Wonderwall by Oasis in my head, along with the word "portmanteau" for some reason... some days I feel like if Freud were still alive he'd look at me, shrug, and say, "Fuck, I don't know man. You're on your own with that one."

   Make love, not war. Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!

   found a dead lizard on the back porch...apparently, a reptile dysfunction.

   trying to develop a life off of facebook.....as you can see, its not working.....

   can't wait to see who's all going to be single on my facebook after the 4th of July!"

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   I don't get the toilet seat issue that women have. I won't put my naked *ss on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some women are not so discriminating...

   I'm beginning to think the only real committed women are the ones who are institutionalized.

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters T G I F...

   Hint: if someone asks you if you "have a sec", answer "I have lots of secs", and they will forget their original question.

   I'm not going bald, i'm just getting more head.

   I would like to high-five the first person who convinced their mom that peanut butter and jelly is not a dessert food, but a delicious and nutritious meal.

   "This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird stuff on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a brain.

   I wore a leather jacket and a lady said a cow was murdered for that... I said so you were a witness now I have to kill you too.

   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list

   thinks that the term “Beauty mark” is just a euphemism for freaky, hairy mole!

   I saw all the Tiger Woods action figures are on clearance; I think they could sell more if it came with a White Trash Barbie