Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought AshleyMadison was the bakery that made Zingers... Didn't they used to sponsor Charlie Brown specials?

   Her: We need to talk Me: how do you keep getting that duct tape off?

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad."

   You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands?

   Good thing my drug dealer delivers rain, sleet or government shutdown......

   My girlfriends husband doesn't like me.

   I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl's phone and saw that my number was saved as FREE FOOD.

   It's Monday. I'm refreshed and ready to hate my Job

   I will not be composing any quality p osts today. So just keep scrolling.

   I HATE the commercials that try to connect their product to a virtue of life, such as "Mayo....because everyone appreciates being with family." I could be with my family without Mayo, thanks

   I love the holidays. A time when people are supposed to be more nice and caring, actually become bigger a$$holes than they are the rest of the year.

   Caution: this Facebook user may use sarcasm and cynicism in a way that you are not accustomed to. Viewer discretion is advised.

   I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :(

   why is it that when you fart silent somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or sits behind you??

   Monotony is my favorite bored game.

   Don't let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and evict them.

   Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.

   "Don't call me old fashioned or i'll be forced to pummel you in a rousing bout of fisticufs"