Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands?

   Good thing my drug dealer delivers rain, sleet or government shutdown......

   My girlfriends husband doesn't like me.

   I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl's phone and saw that my number was saved as FREE FOOD.

   It's Monday. I'm refreshed and ready to hate my Job

   I will not be composing any quality p osts today. So just keep scrolling.

   Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.

   It's funny how once they see that you're doing better without them, some people decide that they want you back.

   Dude, you're driving a Jeep, surely you can take a speed bump faster than 4mph...

   "If alcohol is poison, why do you drink it?" "Because there are things in me I need to kill..."

   it considered drinking alone if you're on Facebook?

   The guy with the diesel-powered lawn equipment finished doing what he was doing in the nick of time. I've taken my finger off the trigger....

   If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas

   I don't think I've ever heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason..

   If facebook gets shutdown will Tom send me my password from Myspace back?

   What no one tells you about rock bottom is that it has a fantastic open bar.

   The definition of attention seeking.. Updating your Facebook status in capital letters!

   If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

   As another summer movie blockbuster season begins. Once again, Hollywood denies us a Jake and the Fatman movie.

   You had me at "I don't like you that way."